George was 29 and still single. All of his friends were
married, but George just dated and dated.
One day Bill asked him why he wasn't married. "Don't you want
to settle down? Are you holding out for the perfect woman? Are you
having trouble meeting someone compatible?"
"Actually," George replied, "I've found many women I would
have been happy to marry. Things always start off fine, but when I
bring them home to meet my parents, my mother never approves of
them."
Bill thinks for a moment. "I've got the perfect solution, just
find a girl who's just like your mom!"
A few months later Bill ran into George again. George looked a
little depressed so Bill asked how things were going. "Did you
find the perfect girl? Did your mother approve?"
George shrugged his shoulders. "Yes, I found the perfect girl.
Yes she was just like my mom. Yes, you were right, not only did my
mom approve, but they became good friends."
"What's the problem?" asked Bill.
"My father can't stand her."
■□■2
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the
tombstone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange,
an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be
confusing, for passers-by would tend to think that three men were
buried under the stone. However he suggested an alternative. He
would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a
lawyer."
"That way, whenever anyone walked by the tombstone and read
it, they would be certain to remark, 'That's Strange.'"
■□■3
Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith
went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the
following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside
table that said "Wake me at six."
An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning
and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside
table:
"It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"
■□■4
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to
bring his wife a little gift.
"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk.
She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.
"That's a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller
bottle for $30.00.
"That's still quite a bit," Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00
bottle.
"What I mean," said Tim, "is I'd like to see something really
cheap."
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
■□■5
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A
couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery
and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven
was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come
and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard
some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,
listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's
Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth
Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the
magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth...
the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the
magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had
gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to
worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
■□■6
女性は恐ろしい？
The moral of the story is . . .
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad
one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly
neither of them are hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the
woman says, "So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman.
Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately
we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet
and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our
days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you
completely! This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another
miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine
didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate
our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in
agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it
back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts
the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the
police..."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with
them.
■□■7
Women
If you kiss her, you are not a gentleman
If you don't, you are not a man
If you praise her, she thinks you are lying
If you don't, you are good for nothing
If you agree to all her likes, you are a wimp
If you don't, you are not understanding
If you visit her often, she thinks it is boring
If you don't, she accuses you of double-crossing
If you are well dressed, she says you are a playboy
If you don't, you are a dull boy
If you are jealous, she says it's bad
If you aren't, she thinks you do not love her
If you attempt a romance, she says you didn't respect her
If you don't, she thinks you do not like her
If you are a minute late, she complains it's hard to wait
If she is late, she says that's a girl's way
If you visit another man, you're not putting in "quality
time"
If she is visited by another woman, "oh it's natural, we are
girls"
If you kiss her once in a while, she professes you are
cold
If you kiss her often, she yells that you are taking
advantage
If you stare at another woman, she accuses you of
flirting
If she is stared by other men, she says that they are just
admiring
If you talk, she wants you to listen
If you listen, she wants you to talk
■□■8
The Men's Guide to Female English
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by
now
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a
lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think
about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my
period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper.....
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade
of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me = I did something today you're really
not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a
good game on TV
Is my butt fat = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me! = [Too late, you're
dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe = It's easy to fix, so you'd better
get used to it
Was that the baby = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him
until he goes to sleep.
I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is
important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying
that we're stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe
department, I need to look at a few new purses, and those pink
sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your
checkbook?
■□■9
The Women's Guide to Male English
"I'm hungry" = I'm hungry
"I'm sleepy" = I'm sleepy
"I'm tired" = I'm tired
"Do you want to go to a movie?" = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
"Can I take you out to dinner?" = I'd eventually like to have
sex with you
"Can I call you sometime?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
"May I have this dance?" = I'd eventually like to have sex
with you
"Nice dress!" = Nice cleavage!
"You look tense, let me give you a massage." = I'd like to
have sex with you
"What's wrong?" = I don't see why you are making such a big
deal out of this
"What's wrong?" = What meaningless self-inflicted
psychological trauma are you going through now?
"What's wrong?" = I guess sex tonight is out of the
question
"I'm bored" = Do you want to have sex?
"I love you" = Let's have sex now
"I love you, too" = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex
now!
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = I liked it better
before
"Yes, I like the way you cut your hair" = $50 and it doesn't
look that much different!
"Let's talk" = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am
a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
"Will you marry me?" = I want to make it illegal for you to
have sex with other guys
"I like that one better" (while shopping) = Pick any freakin'
dress and let's go home!
■□■10
19 Ways To Confuse Santa Claus
1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note
explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few
pounds.
2. While he's in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a
speeding ticket.
3. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the
holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
4. While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with
exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to
get them to fly.
5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull
goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that
big, red Santa suit!
6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding
signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."
7. Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs.
Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a
loaf of bread on his way home.
8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the
chimney. Refuse to let him leave until the strippers arrive.
9. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As
soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't
have missed that last payment, and take off.
10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out,
with a note that says, "For The Tooth Fairy. :)" Leave another
plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in
a dirty glass with a note that says, "For Santa."
11. Take everything out of your house as if it's just been
robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and
say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the
crime."
12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute
changes and corrections.
13. While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with
barbed wire.
14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa's
sure to see them. Go outside, yell, "Ooh! Look! A deer! And he's
got a red nose!" and fire a gun.
15. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include
a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new
house.
16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for
Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you're sorry, but
from a distance, he looked like a bear.
17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
18. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While
he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act
like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then
say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."
■□■11
The Top 16 Worst Excuses for Being Late for Work
1. "Actually, I've been here for over 20 minutes, big guy -- I
was just out chillin' in the van waiting for the end of the live
version of 'Freebird'."
2. "I keep forgetting which side of the International Date
Line you're on."
3. "We're *open* on Tuesdays?!?"
4. "It took this long to get the ol' blood alcohol level down
to the legal driving limit."
5. "I had to take extra time this morning to wrestle with
overwhelming aggressive impulses by reassuring myself that nothing
would happen today that would push me over the edge."
6. "My proctologist got stuck."
7. "It was Senator Kennedy's turn to drive today, so I've
spent the last hour swimming."
8. "I'm late because I was on the phone trying to get *your*
shipping department to send the company's office supplies directly
to the winner of my eBay auction."
9. "Hey, time becomes meaningless when you're as strung out on
crystal meth as I am."
10. "Sorry, sir. I overslept and dreamt I had a dead-end job,
a windowless office and a humorless baboon for a boss."
11. "Heidi Klum refused to untie me."
12. "On the second Tuesday of the month, the Campho-Phenique
man comes by to fill the drum for my home supply of
industrial-strength anti-canker sore gel."
13. "I'm sorry, boss, but I had to stop to get you -- uh --
this box of ten donuts."
14. "It took me a little longer than normal to hide my disdain
this morning... Sir."
15. "My dog ate my presentation, sir. And by 'my dog' I mean
your wife, and by 'ate my presentation' I mean 'was boinking me'."
and the Number 1 Worst Excuse for Being Late for Work...
16. "These are not the 'droids you're looking for."
■□■12
IN SCHOOL
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she
dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be
quiet in church?" Annie replied, "Because people are
sleeping."
____________________________________________
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary
took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They
couldn't get a baby-sitter."
____________________________________________
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments
with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment
to "honor thy father and
thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us
how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat one
little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
____________________________________________
A very dirty little fellow came in from playing in the yard
and asked his mother, "Who am I?! " Ready to play the game she
said, "I don't know! Who are you?" "WOW! " cried the child. "Mrs.
Johnson was right! She said I was so dirty, my own mother wouldn't
recognize me!"
____________________________________________
A wise schoolteacher sends this note to all parents on the
first day of school: "If you promise not to believe everything
your child says happens at school, I'll promise not to believe
everything he says happens at home.